


It Dictates Who We Are

by mggislife2789



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Dilaudid, Drugs, Gen, Nightmares, Prison
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-21
Updated: 2018-02-21
Packaged: 2019-03-22 08:12:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13759938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mggislife2789/pseuds/mggislife2789
Summary: Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or their original stories. This is only for fun. It's where my brain goes after the credits roll. No copyright intended. Better safe than sorry. ;)





	It Dictates Who We Are

Alex was sitting on the couch, her head resting on James’ chest. Life was good. The movie was playing in the background of her mind, but she wasn’t really paying attention. Instead, she was reveling in the peacefulness life with James had turned out to be. Neither one of them had imagined life turning out exactly the way it did, but she couldn’t have been happier for it.

One thing she had to admit though was that she did miss her family at the BAU - especially Reid. Their relationship had started off a bit rocky, but he was like the son they lost. He deserved all the good in the world and she hadn’t heard from him in a while; she wondered how he was doing.

All of a sudden, she felt a buzzing in her pocket. She glanced at the number to see a name she hadn’t heard from in a while. “Garcia?”

James turned his head toward his wife. “From the BAU?”

“Yea,” she said, the smile leaving her face. Why would Garcia be calling her unless…? “Excuse me a minute, hon. I have to see if something’s wrong.”

“No problem, love.”

“Garcia?” She asked, truly confused. “It’s good to hear from you.” It was; she just hadn’t expected it, and something in her gut told her that something was wrong. “How are you?”

“Ummm,” she started. “I’m okay. Uh…relieved and sad and happy all at the same time. I called because I wanted to ask you a favor. I know we haven’t seen you in a while, but we do miss you and-”

Was this about coming back? That she couldn’t do. As much as she’d loved her job and her family there, she had finally settled into a comfortable and fulfilling life with James - both professional and personally; she couldn’t risk that. “I don’t think I can come back,” she started, before being cut off. 

“No, that’s not what I mean. Not that we wouldn’t love to have you of course, but that’s not why I’m calling.” Penelope knew she was in essence betraying Spencer’s trust, but she was so worried for him and this seemed like the only way. Morgan was coming to see him too, but Reid needed everyone that loved him right now. “I’m calling because of Reid.”

Alex’s heart dropped. “What happened to Spencer?” There was a black hole threatening to suck her up whole. Spencer couldn’t be hurt - not again. She thought hours passed between questions but nothing could’ve been further from the truth. Almost immediately, she asked again. “Garcia, what happened to Spencer? Is he okay?”

“He’s alive,” she reassured.

Oh, thank god.

“But he needs you.”

“Why? Garcia what happened?”

As Garcia started talking, Alex felt like she was in an episode of The Twilight Zone. Reid had been to prison? “Why was he there? How long?” She clutched at her chest - she hadn’t been there. 

“He was crossing the border into Mexico without the knowledge of the Bureau in order to get some medicine that was helping his mother. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s last year.”

Why couldn’t he catch a break?

Alex’s heart broke for him. He’d been through enough for ten lifetimes.

“He got caught?”

“No, an unsub took advantage of the fact that he was crossing the border and used the opportunity to get revenge on him for putting her away.” 

Everything in her wanted to ask who this woman was, but she didn’t. If she did, she was sure she’d go to the ends of the earth to make sure she paid for her crimes with her life. “He’s not in prison anymore?”

“No,” Garcia said. “And he’s since been reinstated to the Bureau with the stipulation that he take scheduled periods of time off in which he teaches seminars here…but Alex…he’s suffering. I can see it in his eyes. I know he’s having nightmares and he can’t sleep at night. I’m…I’m afraid he’s going to turn back to…”

Dilaudid.

She didn’t have to say it. Alex had heard about his problem after his ordeal in Atlanta. “Can you-”

“I’m on my way.”

The second she’d hung up, Alex told James everything that happened. She had a planned conversation in her head. She needed to go see him. But James knew immediately that she had to go. “Go. Take your time. I love you.”

“Love you too.”

Spencer had no idea she was coming, but that was probably for the best. Once she showed up, she knew he wouldn’t turn her away, but if he knew ahead of time he would try and convince her he was fine. 

When she knocked on the door, her heart started to pound. Why hadn’t he told her?

“Blake?” He exclaimed.

“Reid,” she said softly. 

Silence hung between them for a moment and the light in his eyes upon seeing her faded away as he realized why she was there. He bit his lip and looked down, now ashamed and unable to meet her gaze. “Who?”

“Garcia.” She added quickly. “She’s scared for you.”

Saying nothing, Spencer turned around and left the door open, allowing her in. “Why didn’t you call me?”

He didn’t look up from his place on the couch. “You’ve been so happy. I didn’t want to bring you down.”

Alex closed her eyes and tried to hold back tears. “I would’ve been here. In an instant.”

“So much happened in such a short period of time…I-I still haven’t really processed it all,” he said. He knew she would’ve been there, but addressing it - saying it out loud - would cause him to break down and he knew it. 

“How could you? Reid…what happened? Talk to me.”

With each word he spoke, her heart shattered a little more. His mother was diagnosed. He put away a psychotic criminal who’d threatened Garcia’s life. Then his mother started deteriorating and he’d been desperate. “I know I could’ve easily lost my job, but…she’s my mom…I’m not ready to be without her.”

God, he sounded so much like Ethan. Her son hadn’t had the chance to grow up, but if he had, this is who he would’ve been; she wouldn’t have been able to be more proud. She was about to say something - anything, but then Spencer started speaking again. “I would do it again. Everything. Even knowing where I’d end up, but…every time I close my eyes I’m there again.”

Spencer wasn’t meant for prison; his strength was in his mind, not his body. “I nearly lost my mind in there, Alex. I…I almost lost myself. I’ve never been more scared.” He still hadn’t looked up. He couldn’t.

“You’re alive,” she replied. “Spencer, you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You’re one of the strongest men I know. And you survived all of this with your mind intact.”

Spencer glanced up and caught her eye. Immediately, his lip started to quiver, the tears falling in streams. “I’m not the same anymore, Alex…I…I’m scared of who I’ll become. Or I’m afraid that I’m already too far gone…”

Moving closer, she laid her hand on his leg. Normally, she tried to give Spencer the physical space he needed, but in this moment, she felt like he really needed this. “You’re not,” she whispered. Her tears were hot as coals, burning her cheeks as they streamed down her face. “I haven’t seen you in a while. But you are the same good person you were before this all happened.”

“There were drugs going in and out of the prison. One of the leaders told me I had to shuffle the drugs in and out along with some of the other inmates. I couldn’t do it. But I tampered with the drugs to make them not worth a damn, and in the process some of the inmates got hurt. Alex…” He sobbed. “I enjoyed hurting them.”

Instinctively, he leaned into her outstretched arms. She cradled his head as he cried, her hands running through his hair; it was what she would’ve done for Ethan if he had scraped his knee, or broken up with his first love. She would never get the chance to do that for him, but Spencer was different. “You did what you had to do to survive, Spencer.” He tried to look down, but she wouldn’t let him. “Listen to me. You did what you needed to do to come home to your team and your mother.”

“But I enjoyed it…” he said, his voice catching in his throat. “Alex, what does that make me? I’m no better than the people we hunt down anymore.”

Alex didn’t curse all that often. “Bullshit. Listen to me, Spencer. Do you think anyone that has ever worked in law enforcement hasn’t enjoyed taking down an unsub or a bad guy. You think JJ didn’t enjoy watching Hastings die? Do you think Hotch felt bad when he killed Foyet? No. Because we’re human. We do what we do because we want to save people, but we aren’t exempt from getting personally attached. Those people tormented you. It’s completely understandable that you would feel the way you do.”

“What makes me different then?”

“Choice. That’s what dictates our path in life.”

He broke out into another sob. There really wasn’t a correct thing to say at a time like this, but she was certain she did the best she could. “Spencer, I have something to ask you, and I only ask because I love you.”

“What is it?”

“Have you thought about Dilaudid?”

He nodded. “I don’t have any though. I know that’s going to be your next question. I haven’t gone to my old dealer. Though I’ve been tempted.”

“Okay.” She breathed a sigh of relief. “Please, Spencer, if you ever feel the craving…call me. Call any one of us. We love you.”

“I know you do,” he said. There was the faintest hint of a smile behind his eyes. “Thank you for coming, Alex.”

Standing up, she pulled him into a hug. “I’m glad Garcia called me.”

“Me too,” he admitted, holding on to her for dear life. “You wanna grab breakfast tomorrow morning?”

“Yea. You staying nearby?”

She’d run out so quickly she hadn’t even made any arrangements. Just this morning she’d been at home with James. “I still need to find a hotel.”

“Do…do you want to stay here?” He asked. Now that she was here, he kind of didn’t want her to leave. “I have the extra bed.”

“Wanna watch Dr. Who?” She asked.

“I’d like that.”

He knew she wasn’t going to be in town long, but since she was here, he wanted to keep her close. With her here, maybe the nightmares would leave him in peace for the night.


End file.
